June 27, 2001
I left M.H.’s house in the morning and got on a highway that follow the Ottawa River. I was on my own now and I was anxious. I was really doing this, alone I found a beautiful campground and was given a great site on the water.
I was agitated for two reasons today. First, I had just finished teaching 5 days ago. I loved teaching my second graders but the end of the year was so hectic. A field trip, grades, lesson plans to be turned in, room to clean, grade level meetings, district workshops, placement of students for next year, final evaluation, etc., etc., etc. It usually takes me two weeks into a summer vacation before I stop being a teacher.
And there was another factor, I hate making mistakes. It is my biggest fear and the cause of the most distress in my life. It all comes from once being a very self conscientious,shy child. I always tried to avoid any kind of attention especially anything negative.
Today judgement and doubts were shouting at me. “Should I stay here for one night or more?” “Should I stay put because of Canada Day on the first?” “I’ve only gone 300 miles?” “How many miles to Michigan?” “I’m I doing enough?” ” I’m I being enough?”
I chipmunk came up to me after I got settled and I fed him some crackers. He came closer and finally came up on the picnic table. The little creature allowed me to feed him as he sat before me inches away. He was so trusting, so into the moment we were sharing together.
I decided to stay here 2 nights or maybe three. I need to make a vacation transition, passing from a goal oriented rat race to serendipity, one day at a time, one lovely present moment after another.
I will get to Michigan when I get there.